So I’ve seen the Peyton-on-Sunday-morning Direct TV ads so many times, I’m starting to flip the channel with the same alacrity I possess when a political ad comes on. I’ve been forced to start thinking about what the outtakes from that commercial must sound like.
“You want to come over? I’ll make nachos.”
“Peyton, I can’t, man. I’m playing.”
“Besides, I think I need to say something here. I can’t come over until you get your act together, man. I mean, look at yourself. You got some creepy guy in a Lionel Richie mask hanging around the place. You keep telling me Papa John is over there, but we both know there’s no such thing as Papa John. It’s like Ronald McDonald or the Keebler Elves or the Pope. It’s just a mascot that appeals to kids. Meantime, you sit around in that bathrobe all day, every day. Your place smells like an elephant’s ass. I don’t know if it’s you or ‘Lionel’–I’m doing air quotes, by the way–but it’s just horrible. There’s no way I’m coming over. Why don’t you call Cooper?”
“My imaginary friend?”
“He’s our older brother!”
“Okay, now who’s being creepy?”
All right, I feel better. Let’s do this…
AWARDS FROM THE COMMISH
FANTASY PLAYER OF THE WEEK: Cam Newton
There were questions about how Cam could bounce back after the Denver defense did everything up to, and possibly including, hitting him with steel folding chairs. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers took a slightly different approach: letting him run and throw the ball all over the field in the hope that by the 3rd quarter Cam would be all tuckered out and want to go home. Unfortunately, it seemed to work the other way, as Bucs QB Jamies Winston didn’t get the run-and-throw part, but apparently got the all-tuckered-out memo.
FANTASY OWNER OF THE WEEK: T.J.
Yeah, I don’t believe it either. For years, T.J.’s main value to our league was being the 10th guy we needed in order form a quorum. But in a Week 2 in which pretty much everybody’s team went over to Peyton Manning’s house for nachos, T.J.’s guys ran wild. (How bad was it this week? For HALF the teams in the league, their highest scoring player was either their kicker or their defense. Or in the case of Jack, it was BOTH.) T.J., on the other hand, got big performances from guys like Phillip Rivers, Larry Fitzgerald and DeAndre Hopkins. Hate to tell you this, but I don’t think T.J.’s going away. I don’t know what to think there. T.J. has a competitive team and a reality show star is going to be our next President. Cue Vince Lombardi: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OUT HERE?!
DUMBASS OF THE WEEK: Rex Ryan
The Bills coach/2017 Addition to Football on Fox was faced with a crisis after Thursday night’s loss to the Jets. His defense had given up 37 points, almost 500 yards of total offense, over 350 of it through the air and over a hundred of it on the ground. Rex’s response? He fired his OFFENSIVE coordinator. Shrewd, Rex. Shreeewwwd.
DOUBLE DUMBASS TO YOU AWARD: Me
After being made Week 1’s Dumbass Owner of the Week, Hal was quick to point out that I lost MY Week 1 game by a single point and I had Michael Crabtree sitting on my bench. To placate Hal, I made a deal with him: if he beat me in Week 2, I’d give him double or nothing. I’ll let you guess how it went. (On the bright side, it’s the first time I’ve lost a double-or-nothing bet that didn’t involve streaking, so…)
POUR ONE OUT ON THE GROUND AWARD, Pt. 1: Week 1 assumptions
We here at the Notes would like extend our condolences to the families of the following Week 1 Assumptions: the 49ers are significantly better under Chip Kelly, the Jacksonville Jaguars are looking like a play-off team, Blake Bortles is ready to make The Leap to being a great QB, the Rams are so bad, they might go 0-16 and there’s no way the Vikings can win without Adrian Peterson being effective. Please know these assumptions did not die in vain. They will soon be joined in the hereafter by an equally-ridiculous set of Week 2 Assumptions.
POUR ONE OUT ON THE GROUND AWARD, Pt. 2: The “Hi, Peyton” joke
While watching this week’s Peyton-less Colts-Broncos game, it suddenly occurred to us that one of our favorite running gags at our Sunday football gatherings is no more. See, years ago, Carol came straight to the gathering after consuming several too many Bloody Marys at a brunch for her friend Emma. The Colts happened to be playing as Carol was sloshing about and she started to say, “Hi, Peyton” EVERY time Manning was on the screen. She stopped when the rest of us joined in. But the legacy of that day (beyond the memory of Carol puking on Lars’ couch) was the “Hi, Peyton” joke. From then on, whenever Manning would fumble, throw an interception, get sacked or just stand on the sidelines giving the world the stinkface, everyone in the room, except Carol, would say, “Hi, Peyton.” We’d try to keep the bit going with the Peyton Manning ads, but as I’ve been at pains to point out, they’re on every 30 seconds! So, we say goodbye to our old friend, the “Hi, Peyton” bit. You were too beautiful for this world.
ASSCLOWN OF THE WEEK: Trent Dilfer
Dilfer doubled-down on his opposition to Colin Kaepernick’s National Anthem protest, repeating the ridiculous party line that Kaepernick is creating a distraction and that backup QBs should be neither seen nor heard. These comments are a tad more repugnant if rumors are true that Dilfer is acting as the mouthpiece for 49ers GM Trent Balke. ESPN, bastion of faded journalistic integrity that it is, has not investigated these rumors, choosing instead to refer them to their new ombudsman: Trent Dilfer’s mom.
I’m not certain what’s sadder: that Dilfer’s basic argument is “Colin Kaepernick surrendered his right to free speech the second he became a backup quarterback” or that he thinks that argument makes sense. How long before Randy Moss just goes ahead and bites Dilfer’s face off?
And finally, in honor of Jon Stewart (whenever he chooses to show up, the funniest man on TV) I give you…
YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN: The Patriots give the finger to Roger Goodell
Something that needs to be made clear to the gloaters and haters: at no point has there been any ruling stating that Tom Brady is guilty in the We-Might-As-Well-Accept-This-Is-Never-Ending-Deflategate controversy. All that the courts have upheld is the right, via the Collective Bargaining Agreement, of NFL Commissioner/Buffoon Roger Goodell to make up evidence that was not actually in the report he’s citing as a cause to suspend Tom Brady. If there’s a fault to be found here, it’s the NFL Players Association, for reasons passing understanding, signing off on a CBA that gave Goodell the powers of judge, jury and executioner in all matters of player discipline. Seriously. And when the players don’t like Goodell’s rulings, guess who hears the appeal? Roger Goodell. It’s like a comedy bit where somebody’s trying to navigate the justice system of some podunk town and every window they go to is manned by the same friggin’ yokel, just wearing a different hat. In what system of justice does somebody hearing an appeal of their own ruling make sense? What’s supposed to happen there? Is he expected to go, “Oh, I got that one totally wrong. Roger, you’ve been a bad, BAD boy. I’m going to have to SPANK you.” And then everyone gets creeped out and leaves the room, ending the appeal.
At any rate, Goodell’s suspension was upheld and while Brady briefly toyed with appealing to the Supreme Court, he seemed to realize it would be faster and cheaper just to sit out the four games. If Goodell and the rest of the NFL thought this was going to teach the Patriots a lesson by crippling their season, the results aren’t looking real good at the moment. The Patriots won their first two games behind backup QB Jimmy Garoppolo (who may or may not be a talk show host, results are pending.) A shoulder injury to Garoppolo appears to have sidelined him for the remainder of Brady’s suspension. It’s hard to believe the Patriots will win on Thursday, with three days to prepare a 3rd string QB for what appears to be a good Houston team. But would you rule them out for next week? And when pissed-off Tom Brady (the most dangerous version of Tom Brady) returns, what then? Experts figured the best-case scenario for the Pats was to get through this Brady-less stretch with a 2-2 record. They’ve got the first two already covered. They’ve got to figure they’re playing with house money for the next two games.
I’m still holding out hope that we’ll see the Patriots win a Super Bowl and Goodell go through the awkward moment of trying to present the Vince Lombardi Trophy. I picture Patriots coach Bill Bellichick accepting the trophy, clasping Goodell in a handshake…then pulling him, pro wrestling-style, into a clothesline. Then he channels the late, great Roddy Piper as he shouts directly into the camera, “Just when they think they have all the answers…I change the questions!” Maybe throw a Ric Flair “Whoooo!!” into the mix. I’m not asking for much, am I?
Brian’s Song (Carol) 2-0
Teddy’s ACL (Robbie) 1-1
War Machine (Jack) 1-1
The Winter Soldiers (Mike) 1-1
The Rat Pack (Me) 0-2
The Jock Sniffers (T.J.) 2-0
The Dropkick Murphys (Stoner) 1-1
The Electric Mayhem (Hal) 1-1
The Flaming Envelopes (Lars) 1-1
Chuck (Chuck) 0-2