Gordie- The First Hundred Days

(BLOGGER’S NOTE: for those who are unfamiliar with my idiot uncle Gordie’s rise to power in my hometown of Porter’s Bay, the first two parts of the story can be found here and also here. Meantime, let’s take a look at what happened once Gordie actually [sigh] took office.)

Day 1- Gordie is sworn in at City Hall. He declares it “the biggest swearing-in ceremony in the town’s history.” The Porter’s Bay Times notes that the entire attendance was three hungover pals of Gordie’s and two city employees passing through on their way to the restroom.

Day 2- Gordie announces his appointments to several positions in the city government. All of his appointees are actually his drinking buddies, meaning key posts are now being filled by guys named Leroy, Rob Roy, ReRun, Run-DMG and The Booger.

Day 5- Gordie announces that, contrary to his campaign pledge, he will not have his defeated opponent investigated for unpaid parking tickets. When asked about not upholding this pledge, Gordie says, “Oh that? That was just a lie.”

Day 6- Gordie issues a mayoral proclamation that prevents the further sale of buildings for the purpose of converting them to coffee shops or antique stores. The Chamber of Commerce immediately takes legal action.

Day 7- The City Council confirms all of Gordie’s appointments. Speculation runs rampant that the City Council is sabotaging Gordie’s administration because every council member wants his job in two years. Council member Carl Frand denies this, then spends ten minutes talking about what a great parking space the mayor gets.

Day 10- The Porter’s Bay Times uncovers a series of campaign contributions from Paul Easton, a real estate developer with a shady reputation, to Gordie’s campaign. Gordie denies the contributions and says that Easton will have no influence over his administration. He goes on to talk about the sweet new Corvette he just got.

Day 15- Gordie issues a mayoral proclamation, ordering Nick’s Corner Bar to stay open on holidays and Sundays. Nick’s wife immediately mounts a legal challenge.

Day 16- Gordie’s first press conference ends in a shambles when he refuses to answer questions about Easton’s campaign contributions. He finally gives up answering questions and gives everyone the finger.

Day 17- Gordie accuses the local media of being biased against him. As proof, he cites the media’s insistence on directly quoting him.

Day 22- Gordie is upset when one of the city employees patiently explains to him that he’s expected to show up for work every day. Gordie admits that he had no idea the mayor’s office required such a commitment. He implies he might have not have run if he had known. In order to clear his head, Gordie takes the afternoon off and goes bowling.

Day 25- Gordie unilaterally pulls Porter’s Bay out of an agreement to provide police and fire department support to nearby Center City. When asked for his reasoning, Gordie says the money would be better spent on Porter’s Bay rather than “helping out that collection of turds.”

Day 26- A furor erupts in Center City over Gordie’s comments. When told about the fuss, Gordie refuses to apologize, adding, “Those turds need to get a sense of humor.”

Day 30- After a reporter from The Times points out that Gordie’s approval rating has slipped to 35%, the latest mayoral press conference ends in a shambles as Gordie moons the press corps.

Day 35- The City Council begins an official investigation into campaign contributions Gordie received from Paul Easton. When told about this, Gordie tries to cancel the weekly City Council meeting. The Council overrides him, explaining that it has a quorum. Gordie accuses the City Council of just making up words.

Day 36- Trying to rally support and cheer himself up, Gordie and his followers hold a giant rally in a trailer park just outside of Porter’s Bay proper. Unfortunately, Gordie provides free beer and the rally devolves into a riot. The trailer park is leveled, causing upwards of $11 damage.

Day 38- As questions about Paul Easton’s campaign contributions swirl, Gordie shocks everyone by accusing former mayor Rick Nordvold of hacking his emails during the campaign. Gordie demands an investigation and information on just who he should ask to do that sort of thing.

Day 40- Judge Hal Faltermeyer throws out Gordie’s Coffee Shop Proclamation, stating the city charter does not give the mayor the authority to unilaterally declare eminent domain. Gordie calls Faltermeyer a “nerd” and asks someone to explain all of those $2 words in the ruling.

Day 41- Gordie’s dedication to the job comes under question when he misses an event honoring Gulf War vets. Gordie angrily denies frittering away his time, saying he was consulting with his advisers at the Village Bowl.

Day 42- Former mayor Rick Nordvold denies Gordie’s email hacking claim, saying, “Really? You expect me to dignify that s**t with a response?”

Day 45- Judge Faltermeyer throws out Gordie’s Nick’s Corner Bar proclamation, saying businesses have the right to set their own hours. Gordie says that out of respect for Nick–but mainly fear of Nick’s wife–he will decline comment.

Day 47- Gordie issues a mayoral proclamation banning the press from City Hall. In the margin next to his signature, Gordie writes: “Suck it.”

Day 49- Police Chief Ben Davenport refuses to investigate Gordie’s claims about email hacking, noting there’s not a shred of evidence. Gordie vows that Nordvold will not “get off on a technicality like evidence.”

Day 50- Gordie fires Ben Davenport as Police Chief and replaces him with Gordie’s buddy, Skeeter.

Day 52- Center City cuts off all financial donations to Porter’s Bay charities, saying they will not resume until Gordie apologizes for insulting Center City. Gordie refuses to apologize and says he actually meant to call them “drizzling turds.”

Day 55- Questions about Gordie’s fitness are again raised when he shows up late and hungover for a photo op. He refuses comment and then pukes on a Girl Scout.

Day 57- Concerns about Paul Easton’s campaign contributions again come up, as council members ask how a part-time pizza delivery driver could possibly afford a new Corvette. Gordie denies any connection with Easton and calls him a “complete assbag”, saying this proves they aren’t close.

Day 58- The tires on Gordie’s Corvette are slashed by unknown assailants. Gordie immediately issues a statement saying he didn’t think Easton did it (though nobody actually mentioned Easton as a suspect.)

Day 60- Judge Faltermeyer throws out Gordie’s Press Proclamation, saying it violates freedom of the press. Gordie is quoted as saying, “What crawled up that guy’s ass?”

Day 62- Center City sets up roadblocks, preventing any Porter’s Bay citizens from passing through. The result is that Porter’s Bay travelers must go an hour out of their way to get past Center City. Officials say the roadblocks will remain in place until Gordie retracts his comments. Again, Gordie refuses to apologize.

Day 63- Gordie submits his first budget to the City Council. There are drastic cuts to police, fire, education, social services, tourism and small business subsidies. There is a large increase to Miscellaneous Expenses, specifically the line item marked, “Beer”.

Day 65- Stung by criticism of his budget, Gordie refuses to attend any more press conferences. Instead, he has an easel set up behind the rostrum with his picture on it. Reporters spend the entire press conference throwing darts at it.

Day 67- Gordie calls in sick to a committee meeting on his proposed budget. According to one committee member, Sports Center could be heard in the background during Gordie’s call.

Day 68- Judge Faltermeyer’s house is egged. Leroy, one of Gordie’s advisers, claims he knows nothing about, but is considering suing the judge. “One of his dogs took a chunk out of my ass.”

Day 70- The City Council refuses to look into Gordie’s email hacking claims. Gordie asks if he can fire the City Council. When told he can’t, he refers the matter to the Bureau of Criminal Apprehension.

Day 72- Gordie denounces the press, claiming they spent their weekly press conference defacing a picture of him. As proof, Gordie publishes a photo himself with drawn-on devil horns and an “I’m a stupid wiener” thought bubble. It’s later revealed that the graffiti was done by Gordie’s secretary.

Day 74- Gordie submits a supplemental budget proposal, cutting all health benefits for city employees and replacing them with cough syrup vouchers.

Day 75- Gordie issues a mayoral proclamation terminating the city’s ban on big box stores. In other news, Paul Easton announces the purchase of franchise rights for Home Depot, Walmart and Hobby Lobby. The city attorney immediately takes legal action.

Day 77- Former Police Chief Ben Davenport testifies before the City Council that there is not a shred of evidence that former mayor Rick Nordvold hacked Gordie’s emails. However, there is some evidence that Paul Easton exceeded campaign contribution limits by having several possibly-deceased people contribute $1,000 each to Gordie’s campaign. Gordie denies this, saying that all of his contributors were close friends, even the ones that had been dead for twenty years.

Day 79- The BCA sends back Gordie’s official request for an investigation into his email hacking claims. There’s a coffee ring in one corner and the word “NO” handwritten right below it.

Day 80- As part of Center City’s Spring Stampede festival, the various port-a-potties are adorned with Gordie’s photo. Gordie demands an apology.

Day 84- The first edition of the Porter’s Bay Totally Truth News hits the stands. It’s marked by it’s unequivocal support of the mayor and its many grammatical errors. A total of eight copies are sold, all of them to Gordie and his advisers.

Day 85- Judge Faltermeyer throws out Gordie’s Big Box Proclamation, calling it “yet another abuse of power.” Gordie says he’s thinking about “firing that guy’s ass.”

Day 86- In an emergency meeting, Gordie is informed of the steps needed to fire Judge Faltermeyer. He terms the process “way too damn complicated” and decides to drop the whole thing.

Day 89- Gordie announces he will undertake his own investigation into the email hacking. To head up the investigation, he hires his friend Cooter.

Day 91-  The City Council re-hires Ben Davenport as police chief. Gordie is not at the meeting, as his advisers announced he was on a fact-finding trip to Nick’s Corner Bar.

Day 93- The Porter’s Bay Totally Truth News discontinues publication. Gordie denies any involvement in the paper, despite rough drafts of all of the articles being found on his desk.

Day 94- Cooter’s investigation into Gordie’s email hacking claims concludes. The only evidence found is that former mayor Nordvold sent Gordie a form email wishing him good luck in the general election. Gordie claims he’s been “vindicated.”

Day 96- Gordie issues a mayoral proclamation revoking residency status to anyone not born in Porter’s Bay. Several citizens mount a legal challenge.

Day 98- The City Council passes Gordie’s budget, though they add several spending measures to restore funding for fire, police and basic services. Gordie signs off on the budget without bothering to read it.

Day 99- Judge Faltermeyer throws out Gordie’s Residency Proclamation. The judge makes no comment, but rolls his eyes and does the “jerk off” gesture.

Day 100- Upon discovering that Police Chief Davenport is back at work, Gordie fires him again. Davenport says he looks forward to testifying before the City Council and leaves his office with a thick file under his arm, marked “Damning Evidence”.

%d bloggers like this: